I love celebrations. They’re important milestones in recovery and can provide tremendous satisfaction in marking progress. This practice has helped me so much over the past twenty-five years to stay the course especially when painful circumstances have brought me to my knees. I will admit that when I first heard someone celebrate I judged it as a useless activity, something weak people indulged in to make themselves feel better. Thank goodness there were wise and gentle people patient enough to show me that celebrating our progress was actually a mark of maturity, the key to true progress, and would provide much needed change. It took me more time than I would like to admit to ask myself “what is so wrong with making myself feel better?”
For years I focused on my negative traits and actions with little to no regard for the positive parts of myself. I had a belief that to acknowledge what I had done right served no importance to me and to focus on them would make me a self-centered, heinous individual. I was afraid that If I thought too highly of myself others would think I was selfish. Will I stop trying to improve if I only give myself grace? Will I become lazy or complacent if I’m focused on my accomplishments? Having high expectations of myself and others was not giving me the complete acceptance that I craved.
photo by Ian Schneider
In the Twelve Step program of recovery we are given the assignment in step four to make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. This drove my perfectionism and it made being content impossible. It’s important to have a realistic account of our past mistakes and shortcomings but it’s not the whole story. Ultimately focusing on just our flaws can keeps us from becoming all that we can be in this world. We must also recognize the things we have done right and the good parts of ourselves.
Sometimes the practice of celebrating good things falls by the wayside. I can begin obsessing on all of the improvements I need to make. I forget to take the time to see how far I have come and lean into perfectionism again. People close to me remind me that perfectionism is not helpful in moving toward self love. They also help me see that this can happen to us all and to remember we can always start again. I can take a few minutes to check my progress and acknowledge even celebrate. I can teach myself to seek joy and be comfortable with it.
Becoming “right-sized” is one of my favorite phrases used in the the terminology espoused by the literature of Alcoholics Anonymous. To me it means having a clearer perspective of oneself, not bigger than others but also not smaller than others.
—Kristina Dennis, life coach