I recently received a message from someone who had been unkind (bordering on abusive) to me in the past. She popped up out of the blue and wanted to have coffee. It caught me off guard. Luckily, there was some confusion around the invitation which gave me pause and stopped me in my tracks. Did I really want to see this person after all the pain I had gone through with her?

Part of me did want to meet with her. I was actually excited about the possibility of somehow resolving a painful past experience. I got to work thinking about how I could arrange my schedule to make it happen. Then my inner voice checked in and spoke up. “Has she apologized for her behavior?” and “Has she even acknowledge any of the pain she caused?” The truth was she hadn’t. And how would I explain this meeting to my support circle of people who care about my well being? I didn’t have an answer. I chose to protect my heart. I did not follow up with her.

This is my codependency. I want so much to be liked and treasured that I will forgo my need to be treated with respect in order to please others. Rather than meet with her, I took time to review the history with this person. I remembered the painful moments that led to our estrangement and realized what I needed was to make the painful memories go away. Ultimately I know that confronting her will probably not make me feel better. I cannot rewrite history, nor can I control her behavior. Sometimes we just have to let go of people.

This is acceptance.

The fact that I could pause, not engage, draw back, and make a choice to do what is best for me is a recovery victory. Yes I automatically wanted to make nice with her, but so is staying true to my boundaries. Being forgiving is part of who I am and I like that part of me. I am grateful to the situation for reminding me that I can indeed take care of myself.

—Kristina Dennis, life coach