Belonging to a tennis and swim club for over thirteen years has been great because it gives my son and I the opportunity to visit the club’s pool. Our most recent outing made me look back and compare it with previous years. As usual, many feelings showed up but this time was different because I had a new, more positive emotional breakthrough. I experienced extraordinary feelings of self love and kindness which outweighed the fear and grief I had felt in past years.
A trip to the pool is a particularly strenuous endeavor for any parent and requires strategic planning to be successful. This seemingly simple excursion can be an especially demanding and fear inducing effort for special needs parents. Nevertheless, year after year, I prepare myself to provide my child with a public pool experience. My thoughts range from “Can I keep him safe?” to “Will people be kind when observing his behavior?” and can potentially overwhelm my nervous system during the entire stay.
In order to manage these fearful thoughts, I learned how to become hypervigilant and detached at the same time. Being on the alert for any danger and figuring out how to explain to others why he won’t say “hi” back are par for the course. I have also become adept at denying the pain of envy that I feel when observing other children playing freely and understanding instructions. Meanwhile, I’m holding my breath and praying that he won’t run away, grab a toy away from another child, or rushing over to parents to explain quietly that he won’t hurt their smaller children. The parents invariably reply with some version of “It’s okay, my friend’s child has autism too.” I will share a gracious “thank you,” but I’m coming to realize that my feelings are more complex than what appears on the surface. To get clarity around these emotions, I’m finding it helpful to detach and let go of my self consciousness, my desire to fit in, and my perceived social requirement to master complicated emotions for everyday events.
photo by Trevor Buntin
We go to the pool because being in water has been shown to have healing properties for people like my son who is on the autism spectrum and I want to do everything I can to provide healthy activities for him. I prefer to prioritize these benefits over the temporary emotional discomfort I feel. In the past I have kept my expectations to a minimum. But as I grow, I know that these emotional journeys are teaching me a lot about myself and how to more effectively process my feelings.
We spent over two hours at the pool and I was present and joyful the entire time. Gone was the feeling of desperate control over others and how they may see my son and I. When fear showed up it was fleeting. Self pity didn’t make an appearance at all. That day I stopped for a few minutes and acknowledged that this visit was different. I embraced it and felt amazing gratitude that I was aware of the difference. Upon returning home I took the time to journal about the experience and shared with people I love. A few days after I felt the weight of the pain I’ve had for so many difficult years and allowed myself to grieve it. I am still feeling the big feelings as I write this but I know that this is good.
Feelings are by nature complicated. The fear I have had at the pool is complicated. Some would say “Just have faith,” but it’s not that simple. I exercised faith every time I took my son to the pool while being fearful. Faith can coexist with fear. The same is true for gratitude and grief. I feel both. All feelings are allowed today (unlike in my childhood home). It’s also okay to have feelings come up at different times and return after I have dealt with them. I’m often not able to acknowledge the emotional pain at a deeper level until it became safer to feel. The process of healing my painful feelings always requires awareness.
Becoming aware of my feelings always comes first.
After awareness, I work on accepting my feelings without trying to change them. No need for judgement. Then I move on to articulating my feelings and sharing with a safe person. I know that all of my feelings are valid. Your feelings are valid. Feeling our feelings is okay because it’s how we heal. The way to heal is to feel even if it’s hard. Don’t stop. It’s okay to feel, acknowledge the feelings, and keep going. We are in this together.
—Kristina Dennis, life coach
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