When I met my current husband Kelly I was going through a challenging divorce from a fifteen year marriage to my son’s father. Although the break up was the right choice it was still incredibly painful. It’s probably ideal that one should be healed from a past relationship before entering into a new one but that wasn’t the case for me. I am not even sure if I could have healed without the promise of love motivating me to do the hard work of healing. Sometimes it takes what it takes.
As a recovering codependent I have become acutely aware of my own triggers. I now know that my past self wasn’t equipped to recognize and receive love. I wasn’t familiar with being loved or showing up without my protective shield. I was familiar with the cycle of love bombing (from me or to them) and then the inevitable push away that happened when emotional intimacy was starting to occur. Today I understand that going through my difficult healing journey allows me to see clearly when someone else is in need of healing their emotional pain.
My husband and I on our wedding day in 2020.
The first year with Kelly was difficult. He and I would not have been able to overcome the challenges without the help of a good and patient therapist and our individual twelve step groups. I needed the encouragement of people who wanted nothing but good for me to give me the courage it took to stay in the relationship. I was terrified to be vulnerable. What if I showed him who I was and he walked away? Could I survive another abandonment? Another rejection? My fears ran rampant. Our therapist stood by while we would bring up the deep hurt and fear when a disagreement happened. She would continue to remind us that these painful emotions that each of us had was an accumulation of pain from previous experiences. She asked us to question our assumptions and expectations. What we thought was behind a perceived offense was not a red flag but simply our fears showing up. It was hard — one of the hardest things I have ever done — daring to love again.
I am so glad that I did.
Today I feel loved and seen. I practice showing up and sharing my thoughts. I ask myself important questions about my reactions like “is there another reason why this could be occurring?” Or “maybe there’s a different way to look at this.” I believe that the world is conspiring to bring me good and I act as if.
—Kristina Dennis, life coach