When I begin recovery work with a new client, we often design a plan that includes a list of daily activities to promote self care. They may ask “why are these activities so hard to do?” I know that in the past when I’ve struggled, my inner critic would step in and share thoughts like “why aren’t you getting this?” Or “It shouldn’t be this hard.” When it comes to loving ourselves, many of us believe that it should be easier.
Why do we think it should be easy? If your childhood was void of lessons of self love and self care then how would it be possible for you to possess these skills? We may think that this should just come to us naturally and that self love is the factory setting at birth. When we are told that thinking about ourselves is bad, shameful, or selfish we rewire our brains to stop. If we are conditioned to put others first it becomes our default. For many of us, it’s automatic to put others first. Even if you didn’t grow up with trauma, you probably received the message that in order to be a good person you must be selfless.
photo by Darius Bashar
The problem with this type of thinking is that we are slow to develop the skills of self care and love. Yes, these are skills that need to be learned and practiced. If you are seeking a fulfilling life and relationships these skills are the foundation. When we take personal responsibility for our own care we give others the freedom to do so for themselves. We get to show up in integrity. We no longer have a hidden agenda within our relationships to make someone else responsible for us. There’s a slogan in Al-Anon “for fun and for free.” Before we give to others, we can strive for more healthy expectations.
Realizing that we have an unrealistic expectation of ourselves to just know how to do this sends us off in the opposite direction of healing. These are skills we must learn and they may not come naturally. We will have to practice them and we may feel uncomfortable implementing them. We need to stop our inner critic when it wants to pop off about how dumb you are or tell you that you keep making the same mistakes. We do this by accepting that there is a legitimate learning curve to all new behaviors. Consider the struggle as a sign that you are changing and that you will come to a place of peace around self care and self love.
Building our authentic selves is a life long process.
Don’t allow your inner critic to get in the way of the life you want. Be gentle with yourself even when it feels weird and selfish. Even more so! Be kind to yourself when you’re scared that others will view you as being self centered. Give yourself permission to have mixed feelings. Learning to love ourselves is a foundational skill in overcoming codependency. You being you is the gift that our world needs.
—Kristina Dennis, life coach