We are told not to always think of ourselves. We are told not to be self centered or selfish. I know that there are some people who perhaps need to think a little less about themselves. I am not suggesting that we stop thinking about others. I am suggesting, however, that it’s ok (and necessary) to think about ourselves.

When we show up in a relationship with self knowledge and self acceptance we are less likely to hold our partner responsible for our self esteem. That is the sneaky part about codependency. It looks like we live our lives for other people but we are actually entering into the relationship with a hidden agenda. Codependents shower you with love and affection all the while expecting their partner to make up for the deficit inside. Unaware of this invisible contract, our partners enjoy the extra attention without knowledge of our expectations. Many times these partners are more than happy to receive the over-the-top love and gifts we send their way. In fact they may have a codependency flair themselves. If they are not codependent, they usually see this manipulative behavior and know that there are strings attached.

You must learn about you.

If you have discovered that you are repeating codependent patterns here is the first step: you must learn about you. You must become an expert in you. When we start to learn about ourself we can discover the beauty that is us. Ask yourself “What is my favorite color?” or “What do I like to do on Sundays?” Learning about ourselves opens the door to liking ourselves as we are, not what we do.

We can begin to work on accepting our true selves exactly as we are. We can recover from our issues around shame and abandonment. When we know who we are we don’t need other people to tell us. We don’t need other people to recognize our worthiness because we already recognize it in ourselves. I want you to start studying yourself. Learn what makes your heart soar. Learn what you despise. Learn it all. This is how we learn to love our life.

—Kristina Dennis, life coach