I was not close with my mother. I was recently informed that she had passed. In fact we had not spoken in 17 years. Not my choice exactly but let’s say it was complicated. When I received the call it closed down the possibility that we would ever reconcile. It broke my heart but it didn’t take me down. I think this is a product of all of the work that I was willing to do and because of all the amazing people that poured into me. Trauma has infected my original family and it is a big part of my story. However I have learned that just because it played a big role in my childhood it doesn’t have to be a major part of who I am today. The process of integrating our many selves is not easy but it is worth it.

As children who have experienced traumatic events we rely on old survival skills like shoving the pain deep down. We know now that the pain doesn’t always go away. It actually ends up being the source that guides our decisions so we’re less likely to repeat the toxic cycle we grew up in. In my case the decision and behaviors (alcoholism and codependency) brought me to my knees. I am grateful for the early struggles because they made me do the work.

I know it’s painful to work through, but being willing to pull out the trauma and really look at it can give us peace of mind. It can feel so scary but not doing it will lead us to make decisions that keep us imprisoned in the old behaviors that no longer serve us.

I had to perform an emotional excavation.

To move forward with inner child work it helps to have a plan. When we pay attention to healing our nervous system grief may start to bubble up. It may scare us but it is a good thing. It means that we are starting the healing process. Healing from the past is healing in the present.

The first step is committing to upgrade our self care. This is vital.
We must have safe and secure group of people around us. People who will listen to us when we need to share and support us when we’re having challenging emotions.
Practice daily habits that contribute to a healthy nervous system. Developing and using these tools will allow us to return to ourself whenever we’re triggered.

Ignoring your past trauma will not heal you. If it’s not processed it will remain and drive the triggers that interrupt life with alarming frequency. My life has been difficult in some moments and it has also been magnificent. I want this for everyone, I want this for you.

—Kristina Dennis, life coach